Is It Worth Dying For?

By Jill Cody

(Part 1 of a 4 part series)

IS IT WORTH DYING FOR? A synopsis of Dr. Meyer Friedman’s research into Type A behavior

“Self-confirming nature of thought is amazing - we only see what confirms our thoughts.”

- Dr. Roger C. Mills

“There is nothing wrong with being a Type A personality. Some of the most interesting people are Type A’s. It’s just that Type B’s won’t kill themselves”. When I was in his Institute, I heard Dr. Friedman make this point. He is the cardiologist who identified Type A behavior and has amassed over 40 years of research into the personality. Along with Dr. Ray Rosenman and Dr. Sanford Byers, Dr. Friedman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meyer_Friedman) began to suspect that behavior might be involved in the development of coronary heart disease. They were implementing a cholesterol diet study of 46 San Francisco Junior League women and their husbands, when they realized that something more must be at work to raise cholesterol levels. The men’s levels were higher then the women’s, yet the women ate just as much animal fat. The president of the Junior League told them that she knew what it could be. She said it was the stress their husbands encountered in their jobs.

Dr. Friedman writes in his book (coauthored with Diane Ulmer, R.N., M.S.) Treating Type A Behavior And Your Heart that the thought “coming as it did after the negative results of the dietary study and on top of our own suspicions about the possible role of emotional stress, it made us realize that we had to cease armchair philosophizing and start some serious investigative work.” Now, the concept that stress effects our health isn’t even questioned any longer, but many people still don’t believe they can do anything about it. Well, you absolutely can and that’s what has been keeping Dr. Friedman busy since 1954. (An article written by Dr. Meyer Friedman can be found at: www.sfms.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home&CONTENTID=1732&TEMPLATE=/CM/HTMLDisplay.cfm&SECTION=Article_Archives)

Definition of a Type A Personality

A Type A personality (as quoted from Dr. Friedman’s book) “is above all in a continuous struggle to accomplish or achieve more and more things, or participate in more and more events in less and less time. This struggle fosters the emergence of a sense of time urgency. A Type A personality is dominated by covert insecurity of status or hyperaggressiveness, or both. As the struggle continues the hyperaggressiveness shows itself in easily aroused anger termed free-floating hostility. Finally, if the struggle becomes severe enough and persists long enough, a tendency towards self-destruction develops.” In other words, time urgency plus free-floating hostility may equal self-destruction.

A year after I had been diagnosed with Lupus I went for a check up with my doctor. I was feeling slightly better. I had taken the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People workshop a few months before and was starting to integrate what I had learned. At my first appointment with him I confessed that I still didn’t think I’d live to fifty. I was tired. I just didn’t think I was going to keep it all going and that I would just exhaust myself before then. He looked at me hard when I said that, but he didn’t say anything at the time. During the second visit to go over my lab results, he told me that Lupus wasn’t my main problem, that it was my personality. I was stunned. What? You mean I have something else to worry about? He told me to read a book and to call him when I finished and that if I felt it was on target, he would give me further information. The book was Treating Type A Behavior And Your Heart.

I read it cover to cover and thought that Dr. Friedman must be a psychic. It was me. It was my history. It was my childhood. The chapter about Type A women stated that they will find surrogate fathers … which I did! I walked too fast. I ate too fast. I never felt there was enough time in the day to do everything. I was in a constant state of struggle. There was no doubt about it, I was a Type A personality. It might be interesting to note here that we view the words “Type A” now as a cliché. Back when Dr. Friedman was studying the behavior pattern he needed a method to identify one personality from another. In a non-judgmental way, he called one behavior pattern “A” and the other ”B” just to distinguish the two. I think the history is good to remember so that we fight labeling personality traits as negative. When I had completed the book I called my doctor who then told me about the Dr. Meyer Friedman Institute. I signed up for two years.

(Part 2 covers "Time Urgency" and "Free Floating Hostility")

Life Happens

by Pettis Perry

Life's Jagged Edges

When you get right down to it, Life just happens. Every time we think we have Life figured out something happens to remind us that we don't. It's as though there appears to be a conspiracy of forces beyond our control that interfere with our best made plans just at the moment we are beginning to feel real good about ourselves.

Applying this principle to my own Life, when I try to find an analogy I think of the Cascade Mountains of the Pacific Northwest with their brutally jagged, spectacularly beautiful, cliff faces that shape its harsh profile edges. They stand majestically over the landscape resembling the obstacles that become challenges to human ingenuity. They remind me that Life has many obstacles that have to be surmounted along the way with many, many emotional highs and lows that are just part of living. I am also reminded of the numerous lectures I've given to students about dislodging their mental models that somehow Life is supposed to progress in a neat and orderly manner without any disruptions or problems. 

The sooner we make this mental switch the sooner we are better able to handle the highs and lows presented by Life circumstances. This is not some metaphysical poo poo but real Life  stuff with which we might have to contend on any given day. 

In my own case, I was riding high at the end of 2011 and looking with great anticipation to 2012. So many wonderful events happened that simply made my year incredibly special (see my December 25 and December 31, 2011, blogs to understand more fully what I am talking about). Here it is, now on this 44th day of 2012, and today is the first time I have been able to even look at my blog let alone write anything.

Thus far, my year has been filled with more work than I care to think about. Of the 44 days thus far in 2012, I've worked all but two of those days; and the two days I did not work I spent moving from California to Washington. I've become mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted to the point that my body began to breakdown from the sheer weight of work and other responsibilities--most of which I can't do anything about other than to adapt to the changes that are taking place. For me, this is a process of having to let go of my own beliefs, needs, and wants about how things should be done, because I am not the one pulling the strings this time around. I am a fixer and I am currently in a situation within which I cannot exercise my best talents to solve the problems I am confronting--others are driving the star ship and I am just along for the ride.

One of the ways I learned to get my arms around what has happening in my Life is to visualize the major events (milestones) in my life and to plot them as in the example in Fig. 1. (See below.)

Life Happens Through Ups and Downs

What I found through trial and error was that by plotting the major Life events it becomes possible to examine individual events in more depth by exploring their dynamics more fully and by looking at the relationships between one event and another. I found that by examining the underlying supporting belief systems, Life scripts, and feelings that evolved as a result of each event I can work my way to the heart of what has caused me to self-sabotage and thereby contributing to (and possibly creating) the very conditions that I was telling myself I hated. 

Exploring my life in such a manner allows me to gain some control of my life by examining what is happening in my life. My experiences in 2012 are no exception. While things have been out of control at work, thanks to a great set of friends and an awesome family I've been able to keep myself from collapsing under the sheer magnitude of the problems I am confronting. My brother, sister-in-law, roommate and Frat brother, and several close California friends gave me a great send-off and ensured that I had what I needed to make my move to Washington. Seven of my Washington friends stepped up to help me physically make the move to my new home and several of them  offered to take me shopping since I am currently without a vehicle. And, since making the move one  month ago today a number of other friends have come to my aid.

As I have been struggling through sheer exhaustion with keeping my Spirit-self  alive, several friends from around the country have come to help me keep going. I even have one new friend who I have not yet met other than through correspondence share her gifts with me even though she herself needs to receive more than she gives. Like all of us, the outpouring of friendship and love forces me to reflect upon how Life happens--and for me that means going inward to reflect upon what is happening to my Life as a result of external forces that are beyond my control.

My journey inward reminds me of more difficult times when I was forced to confront my most deep-rooted demons. I am so glad that over the years I have dispatched my demons or they would have remained below the surface exacerbating my current situation and controlling how I now live. This past week, as I contemplated my current circumstances I was better able to see one of my Life scripts  appearing to play itself out again. The difference between today and the past is that, today I can recognize the Life script so that I am better able to proactively respond rather than being blindsided by something that was staring me in the face all along.

My Life lesson that I want to share is that we cannot escape our demons or our past, no matter how hard we try, and they will keep revealing themselves at the most inopportune times until we pay attention to them and put them to rest. Ironically, because Life happens as it will, at some point we will experience having emotional highs and lows during a day, week, month, many months, a year, or many years and there is nothing we can do about it but to learn from each circumstance to prepare us for the next occurrence. 

The 44 Day Life Lesson 

In 2012, the entire spectrum of my emotions are being tested to their extremes thus far this year reminding me that Life does not happen in some nice neat liner fashion--moving from Point A, to Point B, to Point C in a tidy neat straight line. In fact, Life is anything but linear--and that's an important concept to grasp. Once, we grasp this idea and embrace it as a fact of Life, then we are free to move on with Life knowing that the best thing we can do to help inoculate ourselves from the effects of Life's circumstances is to live fully and completely by being productive, taking the challenges as they come, and never giving up.

Today, after 44 days of what I will call pure hell, I have decided to let go of those things I cannot control and to allow the Universe (my God) to work Its magic. Ironically, I have know this all along but like all mortals I have allowed myself to become entrapped in a hell of my own making. Today, after 44 days I have come to remember that this too shall pass--one of the key lessons I teach others, but I had forgotten while embroiled in my own mess. Today, after 44 days I have awakened from what seemed like a nightmare not knowing whether I was coming or going to once again realize that it is my choice to decide whether I want to come or to go. Today, after 44 days I have remembered that the majestic beauty of the Cascade mountains also created the lush and fertile valleys that provide the vistas from the top of the mountains. Today, after 44 days I can feel the wind once again begin to fill my sails so that the journey of my choice can once more continue--as evidenced by today's blog entry.

(2011) Pt. Richmond, CA Ferry Point Tunnel

On this 44th day of 2012, I have come to see that I have been so wrapped up in the moment that I have forgotten the larger meaning of Life--to create for myself that which is most meaningful--which for me is living with abundance and love. How could I let this happen? I know better than to allow this to happen to myself; yet I have to remind myself that out of being human I am susceptible to the human condition which is to be imperfect and to lapse back into old habits. As though I needed a kick in the pants, the irony of it all is that my fortune cookie for today read: 

You are free to invent your life.

To borrow the words from a friend, "I know we are all mirrors for one another, and while we are all love at our essence, the shadows that arise are difficult to embrace, and I am learning to love myself through them, as the love that abounds around, for us and within us is unlimited. Be gentle with yourself. Know you are beautiful as you are." Thank you Christina LaFever for reminding me what is important at the precise moment I needed to hear it. Your words in particular have given my Spirit-self the energy I needed today to do what I live to do--to share Life's experiences so that others may have something to hold onto as Life happens for them wherever and whenever it occurs.

Thank you also to all of my friends and family who have helped me when I needed it the most. Your kindness and love does not go unrecognized.  I hope you know just how much you mean to me. We have been and remain committed to each other whenever Life simply happens!

Creating a Meaningful Be-ing

by Jill Cody

When our sense of control is lost outside ourselves we must turn inward, but to what? Creating a meaningful life also means creating a meaningful be-ing.

It was 2:17am many years ago, I was up feeding my son’s 3 week old kitten that he found trapped between two fences built close together. My son needed a break from the 24 hour feeding cycle of a kitten that age and he and his girlfriend went to Tahoe for the weekend. After “Maggie” was fed she needed to exercise a bit. I laid down on the floor to block her leaving the room and watched her. At that time of the morning it was peacefully quite and I was completely present with her being. My inner child filled with joy watching this small and very new life.

Maggie

I laid there and started to think about the concept of “Be-ing.” I hyphenate the word to make the point that I'm talking about the inner essence of a person … not to be confused with human being which gives a more individual sense of the definition. I'm referring to the dictionary's definition as the nature or essence of a person … be-ing.

Most of us seem to be searching for something to complete or fulfill ourselves. We develop addictions. We buy things and fill our lives with possessions. We keep ourselves constantly busy to fill up our time and to achieve some sense of accomplishment and yet most of us keep searching for meaning … to know that we matter.

I am reading a marvelous book at the moment written by Susan Orlean, a staff writer at The New Yorker. In her beautiful book, Rin Tin Tin (that took ten years of her life to write), she says:

"Could it be that we fill out our lives, experience all that we experience, and then simply leave this world and are forgotten? I can't bear thinking that existence is so insubstantial, a stone thrown in a pond that leaves no ripple. Maybe all that we do in life is just a race against the idea of disappearing" (Susan Orlean).

I believe that those who have created a meaningful be-ing and, thus, are creating a meaningful life can not help but make a mark on the world and the people they touch and then will have won the race against disappearing. 

“Imagine a society of individuals who walk tall with personal presence, a vibrant “Be-ing”, not a presence of arrogance, cynicism, or a phony facade but a presence of genuine essence and personality which brightens the world" (Jill Cody).

2012 -- What does the future hold?

 by Pettis Perry

As we close out 2011 and ring in 2012, it is time to account for what our year has brought us and to question what the future holds for us. Since I accounted for my own 2011 year in my December 25, 2011 Life Blog, I'll now focus on my thoughts about 2012.

(2011) Mare Island Bridge, Vallejo, CA

To begin with, I am very excited and hopefully optimistic about 2012. I look forward to completing a number of goals like publishing some articles, writing a book, finding a place to call home, and expanding my relationships. I look forward to again spending time with my son in Canada, returning to Cabo, and continuing my own growth. I am cautiously optimistic for our nation now that we are shifting our strategy from guns to butter (ending the war in Iraq and troop reductions in Afghanistan). Maybe now we can clean up our economic mess and positively impact the global economy (we're beyond your economy and my economy). I am hopeful that as our economy begins to right itself , we can begin to rebuild our middle class, which is the economic engine in our capital economy. Finally, I am also hopeful that the forces of the light will begin to move the pendulum in a direction that will bring humanity closer together as one people of planet Earth.

However, for the first time I truly wonder what the future holds. As I watch the global events unfold there appears to be a major power shift that is taking place unlike anything since World War II. Uprisings on a global scale cause me to wonder just how close we are to a Holocaustic war in the Middle East. I am more concerned at this time in history than I was during the Cuban Missile Crisis of the 1960s. What concerns me this time around is that there are many more actors wanting time on the world stage. Unlike the Cuban Missile Crisis which was tantamount to a boxing  match between two heavy weights, this time it is much more like a rumble and all out brawl between multiple gangs organized solely around self-interests and fighting to control the turf.

(2011) Mare Island Bridge, Vallejo, CA

My efforts to balance my feelings about 2012 are further complicated by the scores of prophecies and predictions over  many millennia concerning the coming end of days, which by virtue of my spiritual beliefs, forces me to question whether there will be a 2013, and if so, what that might look like too.  

I've been asking myself, what if it is true that we are coming to the end of civilization as we know it?  What then? What will be birthed out of that cataclysmic shift, if anything?  Assuming that a new civilization emerges out of the ashes, will we make the same mistakes that we are making now by raping our planet and destroying our own habitat?

Dan Millman who is one of my favorite authors provides the opportunity for us to explore our Life paths using the dates of our birth, so I decided to see what the Life path for the new civilization might look like assuming death and rebirth occurred on the same day using the 12/21/2012 end of days scenario.

By applying the rules for numerology to the 12/21/2012 birth date, the birth would produce the following life path for the new civilization: According to the rules 12+21+2012=11/2. 

Since the number sequence is reduced to 11 when adding the numbers together, you first get a double dose of the number 1 which interestingly enough, is associated with creativity. The number 1  as described by Millman (2011) indicates that as "Individuals working 1 as their life purpose are here to bring positive creative energy into the world. However, because our life purpose offers special challenges, 1s have to overcome insecurity and associated tendencies to block, to withhold, or to discharge energy through addictive behaviors." (If you want to  check out your Life path go to the Peaceful Warrior web site by either clicking on the link under my Favorites  or by navigating to http://www.peacefulwarrior)

Next, further reduce the number 11 to the number 2 by adding the double digits together producing the Life path number 2. The Life path number 2 represents "cooperation, adaptability, consideration of others, partnering, mediating" (http://numerology.findyourfate.com/). Combined this forecast gives me hope that maybe we will move towards a different way of Being as human beings. My hope is that we will finally learn how to use our creative capacities cooperatively to produce something magnificent for not just our own sense of civilization but something much more contributory and productive for the universe as a whole.

Assuming that numerology works and that it can be applied to whole civilizations then this gives me hope that what rises from the ashes will finally get us to the point where I wish we were today. Just think of how much Life would be enhanced if we moved away from conflict and towards cooperation. How much more fulfilled could we become as human beings?

(2011) Mare Island Bridge, Vallejo, CA

Fortunately, a consequential blessing from my Life threatening  medical experience in 2011, forced  me to consider the very real possibility of  my own death, so I have already reconciled that issue for myself and I am fine with what I have accomplished with my Life, making the rest all gravy. Over the years, what I have come to realize about Life is that death is a part of the Life cycle for people, planets, stars, and whole galaxies. It is part of the renewal process leading to transformation of whole systems. Recognizing some eventual truth about the beginning--ending--new beginning cycle is anything but a doomsday prophecy  from my perspective because it enables me to reconcile my oneness with the cosmos and all things in the cosmos. Thus, it enables me to free myself from those things of which I have absolutely no control and to focus on the one thing of which I do have control--my Self.

Therefore, in the closing moments of 2011, as I contemplate my own approach to 2012, I have decided to continue with my respect for the forces of nature without believing that the future of the planet is automatically doomed because of the prophecies. As a result, I will not live in fear of the unknowable, choosing instead to live by following my own advice: Pettis Principle #4 -- Nothing in Life is guaranteed  so why not step boldly into the next second.

Tonight when the clock strikes midnight in my world and I am entering the first second of 2012 you will find me in the process of listening to "I smile" by Kirk Franklin, "I play for keeps" by Cedric Le'Mont, and "How Wonderful You Are" by Michael Lange (see my November 11, 2011 blog) as I move confidently forward to see what mysteries will unfold in 2012. When the stroke of midnight comes to your world, to all of you I salute your journeys and wish you the very best that Life has to offer you! 

Whatever happens in 2012 be sure to make the most of it! Soak up every second of your Life like a sponge and let your cup overflow. As I tell my son, leave nothing on the ice (expend all of your energy towards your Life purpose) and in the end, you will never live with regrets!

This night my toast is "Happy New Year planet Earth! May 2012 be the best year ever for all of us! Salute!

Travel well, fellow travelers.

Picture Credit Thanks to  http://www.wpclipart.com

Christmas--a Day in the Life of Giving

by Pettis Perry

One Day of Giving = 1/365th of a Year

Without any intention to diminish or dismiss other important cultural traditions of giving e.g., Hanukkah (see this link for more information Chanukah (Hanukkah) in a nutshell) or Kwanzaa (see this link for more information Official Kwanzaa site)  I want to focus on the idea of Christmas because it is the one celebration that has such impact on humanity that it has even stopped wars, albeit if only momentarily.  

Wouldn't it be nice if, on a daily basis, we all treated each other the way we do when Christmas roles around each year? Just think of it, we smile, hold the door open for people, wish each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, feed each other, give thanks for what we have, pray for and give freely to others, and tell each other I love you! We even do things we would not normally do, like paying someone's toll when crossing a bridge, all in the name of Christmas. 

What is it about these things that we cannot do on a daily basis as a way to create and express meaning for ourselves and others; and more importantly to co-create a better world? Why are these things so difficult for us to do on a daily basis?

I for one do not get it. It is so is easy to live in this way on a daily basis. To see a child smile because you held the door open for him and said "after you" or helping an elderly person walk down the stairs are such easy things to do as a way of giving to our neighbors and building a sense of community.

(2011) Pettis and Matthew Perry, A Toast to You!

Today, is about giving and cheerful spirits.  In recognition of this special day, I want to acknowledge the many gifts I've received making it one of the most extraordinary weeks of giving by people I know. You know who you are so thank you.

 As I think more deeply about today, I realize that maybe I have been wrong about Christmas. Maybe Christmas does come more than one time each year and I just didn't see it. Let me count the ways that I have been touched this year. 

Well, I began 2011 fighting with my boss. By the end of the year, our relationship had become stronger making it possible for us to do great things in 2012. When I was confronting a dark night of the soul, my son and his teammates reached out and embraced me at the darkest of my moments. They allowed me to share in and enjoy some of the greatest moments in their young lives as they pursued and won their league championship. Their generosity gave me hope and let me know I was not alone. When I needed someone to talk to about what was happening to me, someone was kind enough to listen and to take me to my medical appointments. When the moment of truth finally came, my Life threatening medical emergency resolved itself leaving my doctors baffled at what happened and leaving me a much wiser and more appreciative person. When my students, who I live to serve, rebelled and threatened my job security they caused me to grow as a teacher and to produce a course survival guide that has now become a teaching exemplar for my employer. When I wanted to celebrate my birthday someone made it possible for my son and me to celebrate my birthday at a beautiful resort. When I needed a place to live, several of you made your homes available to me. When I thought one of my childhood dreams would never be fulfilled, someone fulfilled my dream and in so doing answered a lifetime of prayer. When I needed to speak about things that have been boiling to the surface, someone showed me how to use my voice. When I thought about giving up on teaching, someone asked me to be their mentor. And, when I thought about how many blessings I had already received this year, someone gave me something I truly love.

This Christmas I have been given an extra special gift. My gift is coming to realize that while we make Christmas a special day of giving and cheer, everyday is potentially a Christmas Day--all we have to do is to appreciate what Life has to offer us on a daily basis and we will see the many gifts presented to us on a daily basis. 

What I have learned this Christmas is that the Universe (my word for God) is truly designed to provide abundance rather than scarcity. Give and give freely, and the many gifts will be returned many fold. Open our hearts and they will be filled with wondrous surprises. Give thanks and new worlds will open to us because we will have learned to appreciate the many little things that come to us on a daily basis and that have such large impacts on our lives without us even realizing it.

What I have learned this Christmas, is that in giving unselfishly we can have the Merriest of  Christmas' and the Happiest of New Years each day rather than waiting for a designated time to celebrate. By appreciating the gifts we receive on a daily basis we learn that giving and receiving does not only happen 1/365th of the year but potentially every day of the year. We simply have to recognize and appreciate what is going on around us. 

I am glad that I have taken a few moments to really think through for myself what this Christmas means to me. In so doing, what appears on the surface like a one day event each year  can be seen to extend to other days throughout the year. What has changed? Only me and my perspective--my frame of reference. Thank you Saint Nick for giving me a reason to stop and to think about what you represent. It is not about one day, but rather a way of Life. Saint Nick you work 364 days each year to bring joy to the world on one single day; and in so doing you have taught me this one day is not about the gifts you bring to people on this day--it is about the other 364 days each year when we have opportunities to share the Christmas spirit. 

To all of you, who have given your special and unique gifts to me, thank you, thank you, thank you for enriching my Life, not just today, but every day! 

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas to all!

Life as a Transformative Learning Process

 by Pettis Perry

Transformation as a Natural Life Occurrence 

Over the course of our lifetimes transformation is going to occur in one of two ways. It is going to occur with us as active and intentional agents of transformation. Or, it is going to occur with us as passive participants going along for the ride. In either case, it is going to happen. With odds such as these it makes logical sense to be an active agent of transformation by acting with intention to manifest what we want in our Life journeys.

Developing a foundational understanding of how transformative processes result can go along way towards reducing the stress that naturally occurs when we feel as though our individual worlds are falling apart at the hands of the traumatic events we encounter as Life simply happens. This fact became blatantly important to me as I learned to confront my own demons. My own experiences taught me that the more I understood transformative processes the more coping skills I developed to work through the very traumatic experiences I encountered in my own Life. In the process one thing that emerged as an absolute certainty was that the foundational understanding of transformative processes literally became my tipping point to stop the dread and to begin turning my life around to create what I have now. What I learned has also enabled me to create new frames of reference for the ongoing  traumatic events occurring in my own Life.

Paolo Friere (1921-1997)

I first became aware of transformative processes during the 1970s while working on my undergraduate studies. That is when I was introduced to Paolo Freire through his work The Pedagogy of the Oppressed. Paulo Freire (1921-1997) was a Brazilian educator interested in why some children who were raised in the poorest of neighborhoods succeeded while others did not. He used the term contientization (". . .developing consciousness. . .that is understood to have the power to transform reality. . ." Taylor, 1993 as cited in Infed) to explain the critical consciousness awakening processes. He believed that learning comes from the lived experiences of people creating an emerging critical consciousness that shapes what become new paradigms to explain how our individual realities of the world work. This process of Becoming and forming critical consciousness produces the need to take control of  changing our living conditions and therefore prompting us to take action. 

Jack Mezirow (1991) and other psychologists expanded upon Freire's critical consciousness work to identify 9 phases of transformation. According to Mezirow (1991) transformation occurs through 9 phases initiated by what he called a disorienting dilemma which could be anything that knocked us off balance. A disorienting dilemma could result from the birth of a child, the death of someone close to us, the loss or gain of a special friendship, job loss or gain, undergoing training or education, receiving personal or professional feedback, or some other significant experience that impacts us deeply enough to shake us up through its significant meaning.

Once we become disoriented, as biological creatures our bodies want to regain and maintain homeostasis (its equilibrium).  Therefore, every time something comes into our lives to upset our equilibrium we struggle to regain our balance by exploring the meaning of the disorienting dilemma through our own unique ways of processing information and experiences. How well we are able to manage our disorienting dilemmas and how quickly we are able to regain our equilibrium is a function of the severity of the disorienting event and our capacity to psychologically and physically cope with the event. The better shape we are in psychologically (including socially, emotionally, and spiritually) and physically the better we are able to cope with the  disorienting events we are sure to encounter along our life paths.   

The Phases of Transformation
  
Phase 1 -- Self-examination

The disorienting dilemma triggers our emotions including grief, anger, self-doubt, fear, etc. We can choose to attempt to suppress those feelings or to confront them. When we opt to suppress our feelings we place ourselves in a position of having those feelings continue to surface throughout the course of our lives until we finally confront them and try to mitigate their impacts. 

Therefore, realistically speaking, childhood traumas that are left unresolved can continuously resurface well into the later stages of life causing substantial and prolonged pain and suffering (often resulting in acts of self-sabotage) until they become resolved. In extreme cases the traumas can contribute to significant physical and mental health problems. 

As an example, when we covet being a parent then we are likely going to see becoming a parent as the change we want to make and as a wonderful opportunity filled with loving commitments to be fulfilled by the experience. Any disorientation under these circumstances are, generally speaking, met with joy and expectation. 

On the other hand, when we do not want to become a parent, but nonetheless find ourselves in a position of becoming a parent, then we are likely going to find dread when considering the prospects of parenting. In either case, learning to become a parent will be a disorienting dilemma for most people because of the stress produced by becoming and being a parent. 

Phase 2 -- Critical Self-assessment

The difference can be seen for the parent who wants to be a parent with the disorienting dilemma presenting itself as an exciting opportunity for a wonderful new future with lots to learn. Parents who do not want to become  parents could find themselves feeling absolute dread with the thought of becoming parents. This dread can produce one or more disorienting dilemmas (e.g., having responsibility for someone else when you are not psychologically prepared or motivated to do so) and thereby producing sources of severe conflict such as feelings of being trapped by the new responsibility that you do not want.

As we move from suppressing our feelings towards increasing the desire for self-examination we move towards freeing ourselves from the demons that hold us back through acts of self-sabotage. For example, becoming a parent changes our views of the world in extraordinary ways e.g., moving from selfishness to selflessness, balancing between home-work life issues, and moving children from discipline to self-discipline, etc.

(2011) The Hockey Center, Powassan, ON

At the point of self-examination we choose how we intend to respond to the dilemma. Was the dilemma created by some truly random event? If it appears that it was a truly random event, then we have to accept the event as a natural consequence of living. 

However, even when events appear to be purely random, they might very well not be as they appear. For example, if we track the story of the decisions that caused the dilemmas to occur in our lives we might very well find that a series of moment-to-moment decisions placed us in the position that produced the dilemma.

For example, when I was in junior high school I was hit by a car in front of my house. I was struck broadside by the vehicle with sufficient force at the point of impact to knock me into the air to produce a landing some 75 feet from the vehicle. When I regained consciousness I was screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get my mother's attention because she was inside our home and did not see what happened. 

As my awareness came back I saw that my head was a few inches from the concrete curb lining our property. Had I hit the curb with my head, it likely would have killed me. When I looked back at my bike, I saw that it was pinned at a 45 degree angle under the front bumper of the vehicle. I knew had I not had the presence of mind to kick my leg closest to the vehicle into the air above the height of the handle bars, I would have been pinned between my bicycle and the bumper which also likely would have killed me. Luckily, I survived the incident with scrapes and a badly bruised butt which apparently absorbed the bulk of the impact--I must have literally been thrown off my bicycle in the exact position in which I was sitting.

This incident produced a framework for a disorienting dilemma for me to resolve. I blamed the women who hit me for not seeing me because she was not looking where she was driving. She never saw me until I screamed "LADY!" just before she hit me. She did not react in enough time to break the momentum of her vehicle which struck me at about 30 mph. The dilemma emerged because, although my mom never yelled at me, she let me know her displeasure by saying "If you had eaten the dinner I prepared for you, rather than wanting to go to the store to get something else to eat, you never would have been hit by that car." Unwittingly (or not), she planted a seed that would not germinate until several decades later as I was looking back on my Life in my efforts to resolve my feelings about the major events in my Life. 

This was an exceptionally powerful teaching moment. My mother was right: Had I not made the decision to go to the store I would not have placed myself in a position to be hit by the car. As I have gotten older my lessons have provided 20-20 hindsight for me to track my acts of self-sabotage and general decision-making patterns to many of my major Life dilemmas. I have since learned that I have greater control over both the positive and negative things occurring in my Life than I had previously understood. 

Phase 3 -- Recognize that Discontent and Transformation are Linked 

In addition to learning about my own mortality at a very young age, my accident taught me many years later that each decision we make on a moment-to-moment basis conspires to produce the major events in our lives. While in college I held enough experiences to begin understanding how my ongoing decisions were connected to the outcomes manifesting in my Life. My decision to study social sciences (the various studies of human behavior) proved to be fortuitous providing lots of opportunities for me to explore my own behavior and to learn that my own evolution was going to require a lifetime of serious study.  

(2011) The Traveler, Vancouver Airport, B.C.

During one of my darkest nights of the soul my mentor taught me that I was precisely where I needed to be at that particular moment. At first, I did not understand what she was telling me. She was telling me to embrace the pain and suffering as my teacher at a moment when I wanted to run from it. What she helped me to learn was that precisely because I was disoriented I was in a position to transform my Self into something more magnificent. My dilemma was in fact my teacher, and it was teaching me about transformation and living with intention (see our December 12, 2011 Life blog Living With Intention).

Phase 4 -- Explore Options

A basic manufacturing axiom is that form follows function which means that we have to understand a thing's function before we can design it. Asking, what part of the problem am I? Why is this happening? How did this happen?  What is the true magnitude of the problem? are all good questions to ask in order to frame the scope of the problem. Once we frame the problem we can exert energy to resolve it by exploring our options. The caution here is to identify problems and not simply their symptoms. For example, continuous anger (symptom) might be the result of being put down or abused as a child; an unhappy marriage (symptom) might be the result of the marriage having served its purpose; and not finding the job you want (symptom) might be the result of  working in the wrong type of work preventing you from following your true Life path--the purpose you were born to serve. 

During this phase, feelings of  guilt might erupt because we did something to self-sabotage, we were fired, failed to resolve unfinished business with someone who has now passed away eliminating opportunities for obtaining closure, or any number of other events that throw us off balance.What is absolutely important here is to search our inner most Self  to seek what truly makes us happy.

The purpose here is to maximize our creative capacities to identify as many options as possible. The trick is to do this without convincing ourselves beforehand that it is impossible to achieve one or more of the things we have on our list.  

Proactive engagement with disorienting dilemmas changes problems into opportunities. As we begin to change our frame of reference from problem to opportunity we are then able to more freely explore our options to create new ways of Being. Identifying our options serves as a prerequisite to transforming a disorienting dilemma into a new plan of action that will lead to a new way of Life.

Phase 5 -- Plan a Course of Action

(2011) Steve Powers, Bellingham, WA

Once we have identified where we are and where we want to go we can identify the gaps between the two points and then create a plan of action outlining how we intend to get from point A to point B. Making the journey between the two points offers opportunities to acquire new knowledge in preparation of completing the transformative process.

Getting from one place to another requires at least some level of planning. Just as we develop shopping lists, use GPS or MapQuest, and plan our days in any number of ways, we have to create the plan and then work the plan. 

When a disorienting dilemma is confronting deeply held beliefs and emotions the impact can be exceptionally traumatic for even the strongest of personality types, buckling the knees of even the strongest of  people. At this point we have a couple of choices: We can plan to confront our deepest held fears, we can try to live in denial that they exist, we can deny that we had anything to do with creating them, or  we can convince ourselves that they resulted by someone else's hand. Living in denial will result in the recurrence of similar events forcing us to confront them repeatedly until we resolve them and get them behind us. Therefore, as adults, accepting ownership for our Life events, living with intentionality to manifest what we want, and planning a way out of our dilemmas is proactive rather than reactive making the act an intentional act of transformation.

Phase 6 -- Acquire New Knowledge

The more proactive approach is to learn how to work through the emotional pain enabling us to move towards a Life free of our troublesome burdens. Thanks to one of my colleagues and mentors Dr. Suzy Ross, I have come to know this process as riding the dragon to confront my demons.

(2011) Cabo San Lucas

By confronting our demons we are forced to resolve them through deep reflection and ultimately forgiveness of Self and others. For example, a person reconciling many years of abuse may find themselves having to forgive their own responses to the abuse or other persons involved with committing the abuse. A person who has been a survivor of such abuse has to also resolve residual anger and even embarrassment from whatever events they encountered.  

Learning to truly understand the dynamics of our situations requires acquiring new knowledge for us to see our worlds differently. We can obtain that knowledge by engaging experts in discussions, reading books, taking courses, engaging training programs, etc. Nonetheless, what we have to come to know is that whatever we were doing beforehand simply wasn't working and needed to change by acquiring  new knowledge, skills, and abilities.

Phase 7 -- Explore New Roles

By acquiring new knowledge and learning new ways of Being we are able to try on new roles and develop new competencies. As a result, we might take on a new and challenging position, take on some hidden fear with the intention of overcoming it, or find ourselves thrown into a situation which requires a baptism by fire.

Each new experience provides opportunities for us to practice what we are learning. By exploring new roles we can test our new knowledge and skills as we develop new abilities through practice. As we deploy our new behaviors we can watch to see how well they fit with what we want to create for ourselves. It is literally like trying on several suits of new clothes before buying the one you most like. If you don't like what you see you simply try a new role.

In my own case, while fully engaged in my own dark night of the soul I decided to make a major shift in the role I played at work. I went from being "the employee voice" and defacto leader of the department to being a silent participant. My changing the way that I behaved (without saying anything to anyone) changed the way that others in the department behaved. What I learned from this test was that I could reduce my own energy output and still achieve my same objectives--change in our department--because others picked up the slack. The other thing I learned is that we never left a meeting without me being asked what I thought about the discussions. This opening allowed me the advantage of having listened to all of the input before offering my own. This change took me out of the spotlight and therefore I was no longer a target in my department because I was no longer the sole bearer of all of the bad news. More importantly, my shift facilitated leadership practices being expressed through my colleagues: They grew to take on the challenges making them more self-sufficient. This was a valuable Life lesson--the more you do, the more others will let you do.

(2011) Shogun, Buffalo, NY

Phase 8 -- Build Competencies and Self-confidence

Part of the learning process is practicing what we have learned as we take on new ways of Being. Learning and practicing new competencies provides new potential skills and abilities. A couple of easy examples to illustrate this point is when I was in the Navy learning to fold clothes the Navy way and then later working as a custodian. Although I learned to fold clothes as a youngster, the Navy taught me a much more efficent and spacing saving method which carries over today. Additionally, during the early years of my career part of my work responsibilities was that of custodian. The two skills sets came in handy throughout the rest of my career as an executive leader with facilities and maintenance responsibilities.

We use trial and error to identify and then practice the most comfortable new roles to assume during this stage of evolving to become a transformed and more enlightened Being (more informed). As we become more certain about our new way of Being we have to continue increasing our competencies in key areas in order to increase our Self capacity to support this new way of Being and to place ourselves in a position to maximize future opportunities we cannot yet see e.g., working on my Masters degree made it possible for me to take advantage of an emerging opportunity to continue my education in order to get my doctorate. Little did I know it at the time that three years later I would  find myself teaching full time at a large College where I would meet someone who would become my spiritual teacher during one of the most dark nights of my Life. Now, twelve years farther down my path I have the best job in the world teaching for a university that allows me to live almost anywhere in the world.

The point here is that I never intended to get my doctorate until the idea emerged at the suggestion of one of my teachers in my Masters degree program. I was perfectly contented with my work and Life at the time and making some sort of a career change was nothing more than a passing thought. 

The single most important lesson from my Life training course, described above, has been that we never know what wonderful things might emerge along our journey but we have to be prepared to take advantage of them when they do occur. Opportunities manifest frequently, but they are fleeting. We have to learn to recognize them and when the door opens  to be prepared to walk through it; and through preparation we will have the confidence to take the next step that could literally change our lives in wonderful ways. 

In my case, the college job opportunity would never have been made available to me had I not had my doctorate and, therefore, my life would be very different today. With 20-20 hindsight I can now see that everything that has occurred in my life has led me to this precise moment with an ability to write this blog.

By approaching disorienting dilemmas with intentionality to learn from the experiences offers us growth opportunities because they become viewed as part of nature's way of illuminating our imperfections, so that we can learn from them. In this way, stumbling blocks literally become stepping stones.

Phase 9 -- Integrate the New Perspective As Part of a New Way of Being 

Over time we become a newly transformed Being because we have acquired new information, fully integrated new coping skills, created new ways of viewing our lived experiences, and absorbed new experiences into a more fully evolved (enlightened) Self  who is then more capable to manage through the next disorienting dilemma we encounter.  In the process, we also transform the ways in which we live on a day-to-day basis enriching the overall Life experience from moment-to-moment.

(2011) Jacquie Perello, Cabo San Lucas

To live a more enriched and meaningful life we have to reconcile the fact that there is nothing in our way but ourselves. Therefore, when we get out of our own way all sorts of miraculous things begin to happen. It is so simple yet we make it so difficult. Our very happiness is only a frame of reference away from any present thought. By changing how we view what happens to us as a natural occurrence of Life events then we are able to accept that transformation is a Natural Life occurrence to be embraced. Once we embrace transformation as a natural Life occurrence then we are able to capture its essence and actively use it for our own purposes to create a meaningful Life for ourselves. 

In the end, the choice is ours to do with Life what we will--good, bad, or indifferent--we own it whether or not we like it. To that end, I don't know about you, but in my case, I'm aiming for the farthest edge of the Universe.

Namaste, fellow traveler! 

 References

Acknowledgement: Paolo Freire retrieved December 16, 2001 from http://www.google.com/search?q=paolo+friere+pictures&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=fZM&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&prmd=imvnso&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=zMTrTpL2KKiSiQKJgKnMBA&ved=0CCQQsAQ&biw=1138&bih=512 

infed. http://www.infed.org/thinkers/et-freir.htm   

Mezirow, J. Transformative learning: Theory to practice. New Directions for Adult & Continuing Education. (74). 

Mission to Learn (n.d.) retrieved November 30, 2011 http://www.missiontolearn.com/2009/05/definition-of-learning/

Taylor, P. (1993). The Texts of Paulo Freire, Buckingham: Open University Press.