Is This Worth Dying For - Part 3

(Part 3 of a 4 part series)

By Jill Cody

IS IT WORTH DYING FOR? A synopsis of Dr. Meyer Friedman’s research into Type A behavior

“The world 'out there' won't change until the world 'in here' does.”

— Deepak Chopra

Constant State of Struggle

What is the Type A doing to their life? They’re living in a constant state of struggle. I know. It was this constant state of struggle which led to my triggering Lupus. I could not work hard or fast enough to get all the things or accomplishments I wanted. I wanted the bigger house, the bigger car, and the better job. I wanted my “stuff.” Have you seen the bumper sticker that says, “He who dies with the most stuff wins?” Wins what? It’s for sure you’re not going to live long enough to enjoy it. It is this constant state of struggle, if not abated, which will lead you to self-destruction. That is where I was headed when I was diagnosed.

The Type A lives in a constant state of struggle because they are externally driven. Who they are, their sense of self-worth is based on what others think of them. We need other people’s approval. It is ingrained in our Western culture...wondering what others think of us. We live in a Type A society that rewards multiphasic behavior and achieving the American Dream. What is the Type A doing to their life? They are killing it. The spirit is exhausted

What is the personality doing to itself? It becomes judgmental. It becomes a perfectionist. It must, no it needs to be right all the time. It needs to make other people wrong. It has to prove itself over and over again. Being right once is never enough. It has to always be right. I’m reminded of a quote and I don’t remember who said it, but when it comes to the Type A personality it is a perspective it can’t grasp. “It is difficult to believe that someone can differ from us and be right.” This personality also can’t even let a child win a game. It’s too competitive to let anyone win. It lives in a competitive world. It lives in a world of scarcity. It feels diminished when others receive praise. The ability to laugh at itself is gone. It’s always looking for love and acceptance. The personality perceives life as a race that is never over. It’s never satisfied. It’s can be very charming and it is capable of killing itself.

Where did the personality go? It got buried. Cultural messages and life experiences buried it. It was buried under a lifetime of “should’s”, “can not’s” and “ought-to’s.” It got buried by being judged. It got buried by others requiring it to be perfect. Somehow it replaced itself with the following traits:

1. Self-awareness

2. Hurried activities

3. Obscenity Talk

4. Competitiveness

5. Irritation when recalling an event

6. Multiphasic Activities

7. Punctual Fetishism

8. Impatience

9. Using numbers too much in speech

10. Losing the use of metaphors in speech

11. Distrusts Altruism

12. Repetition in Speech

13. Personalizes Situations

The Type A personality disparately wants to be accepted for what it is. But, it became what it thought others wanted it to be. It got buried to be that “other” personality. Cary Grant once said to “play your true self is the hardest thing to do.” The Type A personality doesn’t know its’ true self anymore. It can’t be authentic because it may be rejected. It’s a personality which experienced many crises and because of them moved away from its natural self. It’s starved for praise. The “true self” lies dormant.

What are the things that get its’ ire? Injustices. Any infraction of what is right. Incompetence. It gets angry when its expectations are not met. It gets upset when its not recognized for its accomplishments. It blames something else for its’ anger. It gets mad at what it can’t control. Since it can’t control much, it is always angry. It believes that if only others were more like it, it wouldn’t have to be mad anymore.

What is it doing to the body? First of all it suppresses the immune system by reducing white blood cells. Once we thought that the immune system was completely autonomous. Now we know that it is exactly the opposite. It is extremely sensitive to our physical and emotional states. Type A behavior causes the body to chronically live in the “fight or flight” response that is only supposed to be a temporary state. Living in this response state means that cholesterol, pulse rate, and blood pressure are likely to always be elevated.

Dr. Friedman has identified what he calls “bombs” and fuses”. A “bomb” is an old infarction (previous heart attack), occluded coronary arteries (plaque narrowing the coronary arteries) or cardiac denial (denying the existence or occurrence of coronary heart disease). A “bomb “ is a physical situation involving the heart. We may or may not be aware of this physical limitation of the heart. “Fuses” are behaviors or incidents that can activate or set off the “bomb”. Fuses can be such things as:

1. An Anger/Irritation/Aggression/Impatience (an AIAI attack)

2. Excessive Altitude: 3000 feet and above

3. Excessive Exertion

4. One Heavy, Fat Meal (I once saw a Piraro cartoon which had several people sitting at a restaurant table ready to give their order to the waiter and one person said “I’ll have the ‘Huge Wad of Coronary-causing Beef Stuffed Into Your Aorta Till Your Heart Stops’ plate.”

5. Mental Exhaustion

6. Excessive Caffeine

7. Excessive Alcohol

8. Extreme Cold

A “bomb” plus a “fuse” will equal sudden death or another infarction. For example, someone who may have occluded coronary arteries may one day go skiing at a high elevation and experience extreme cold. Have you heard of someone having a heart attack on a ski lift? I know I have. The “bomb” was already there, developed over many years and then all it needed was to come in contact with a “fuse”. Think about the people you may have known who had a heart attack. Did the individual experience an incident like one of the above near the time of the attack?

Self-Destruction Is Not Inevitable

There is a Zen proverb that says, “Get rid of the self and act from the Self.” One of my most difficult experiences in the Dr. Meyer Friedman Institute was realizing that I had to let go of the personality traits I thought had served me so well. At least they served me until I got sick. When I began to change my behavior to emulate Type B responses, I experienced a loss of self. It is a frightening experience to lose a sense of self. It can be devastating to realize that who you thought you were wasn’t working for you any longer. Then who was I? If I didn’t walk fast and show the world I was busy and important, then what did I do? If I witnessed mistakes and injustices, how do I not judge? I felt like I was losing myself. If I didn’t have these thoughts and behaviors, will I still be Jill? I didn’t know who I was anymore, other then the person I had created. But, if that’s who I was then I was killing myself.

Dr. Friedman started the Institute because he deeply believes that self-destruction is not inevitable. With education, training and some basic tools a Type A personality can modify their behavior. He says, “a Type A will always be a Type A, but they must learn to react as a Type B.” What is a Type B personality and how do they react? The Type B Individual often reacts with understanding, compassion and forgiveness.

In Treating Type A Behavior and Your Heart, Dr. Friedman states, “the Type B person has learned to value and enjoy himself as much or more for what he has done or experienced as for what he may accomplish in the future.” Type B’s often do satisfying things. Type B’s have a good self-concept. It’s because of their sense of self worth that they don’t need to take control of their environment. The speed in which tasks are accomplished is less of an issue. Type B individuals do not harbor free-floating hostility or time urgency. Their lives exemplify “ASAS” behavior. “ASAS” is the antithesis of “AIAI.” “ASAS” means Acceptance, Self-Esteem, Affection and Serenity. There are three basic tools which modify Type A behavior: 1) Developing a monitor, 2) Practicing drills and, 3) Relaxation.

Part 4 - Developing a Monitor and Practicing Life-Saving Drills

Is This Worth Dying For? - Part 2

By Jill Cody

(Part 2 of a 4 part series)

IS IT WORTH DYING FOR? A synopsis of Dr. Meyer Friedman’s research into Type A behavior

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”

— Lao Tzu

Time Urgency

One day before my “enlightenment”, I walked through the front door of the company I worked for and a gentleman sitting on a couch near the door asked “Jill, don’t you open doors when you go through them”? I just laughed and kept on going. At the time I responded positively to this question. In my mind I was thinking, “No, I’ve got things to do. I am woman, hear me roar”! You know the behavior. The one that looks like you’re so busy because you are so important. I look back on that incident now and shiver. There was a message there and I didn’t get it. He was obviously taken aback by the sheer force by which I was walking through the door. One of the manifestations of time urgency is walking too fast. Doing everything too fast such as eating, talking and driving. The urgency we create in our minds by thinking we have to “accomplish or achieve more and more things, or participate in more and more events in less and less time” causes us to rev-up. We become human doings instead of human beings. This thinking causes us to add an extra notch of speed on everything we do so that we think we can get more done. Do we really? How much time did I lose by becoming ill? Probably everything I thought I was saving by hurrying. In fact, Dr. Friedman calls time urgency the “hurry sickness”. Well, I can vouch for that. Relationships suffer too. People respond to character. When you are going to fast -proving yourself- they can’t see it. They can’t see the wonderful person you really are. Slow down and watch your relationships deepen and grow - with everyone.

Remember the part of the Type A definition that says the personality is dominated by covert insecurity? This is why we feel we need to look busy so that we can also look important. Since I have learned this point I came across a quote from Oliver Wendell Holmes, which is so appropriate, I keep it in mind always, “He who is in a hurry shows that what he is about is too big for him”. I’m sorry to say that now when I see people speeding about, driving too fast, talking too fast, or walking too fast, I feel sad for them. I see people who are screaming that what they are about is too big for them. They now look out of control to me and not important at all. I think there, but for the grace of Dr. Meyer Friedman, go I. It saddens me because I see them struggling to get through whatever is occupying them at the moment and on a path of self destruction (definitely not Carpe Momentum behavior) and I am helpless to do anything about it. If I feel this way I wonder how Dr. Friedman must feel?

Another way time urgency is manifested is by doing more then one thing at a time. This is called “multiphasic” behavior. For example, multiphasic behavior manifests itself through such actions as writing a report and talking on the telephone, eating and walking around, or driving a car and talking on the telephone. Our society has created a culture of multiphasic behavior. We wear it like a badge of honor. I recently gave a workshop on living life in the balance to a group of employees of a fast food company. After the workshop, one of the participants told me about their supervisor who always stays late and brags about it. Working late was a badge of honor to this person. To me it says that what he’s about is too big for him. He will eventually make himself sick. We have become frazzled people developing a frenzied sweat covering up covert insecurity.

It is not also just “doing” more then one thing at a time it is also “thinking” about more then one thing at a time. Have you ever driven down the freeway and got thinking about something and realized you hadn’t been paying attention to the road, yet you were driving the automobile. Staying focused to a task is difficult if you feel pressured by time. You want to double up or maybe triple up on the things you want to do. This is how accidents can happen. The word “accident” bothers me a bit because it places the focus of responsibility onto some unknown cause that created the “accident.” But, don’t we really know that an accident means we just blew it in trying to go faster or do more then one thing at a time? How much pain and how many lives could be saved if we just slowed down and focused a little bit more? The life may be your own.

The worst “time urgency” story I ever heard was on the Golden Gate Bridge. It was closed for four hours and someone lost his or her life because another person was in a hurry. A male driver going north towards Marin County became impatient and pulled into the southbound lanes to pass. An illegal act. He caused a nine-car accident and killed an innocent person. I know it would be unrealistic to expect everyone to have infinite patience and to slow down to an appropriate pace, but what would happen if we just raised our patience level a notch and lowered our speed just a notch? Just a notch. I hope you will consider it.

Free-Floating Hostility

Time urgency is only half of the Type A’s story. The root cause of a Type A personality is a lack of self-esteem. I know the phrase “self-esteem” has gotten a bad reputation lately. Call it a lack of a good self-concept. Whatever it is, it causes us to carry anger within us where ever we go. I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer use an orange as a metaphor for character. If you squeeze an orange, what comes out is what’s inside. If you squeeze a Type A personality, what comes out is judgment and anger because it is what’s carried inside. It has nothing to do with what is happening externally and everything to do with them internally.

I am not saying that anger is bad and you are never to feel or show it. The key is the intensity of the anger; the emotional wrap that envelopes it. The reason why people have trouble coping with a Type A person at the moment the anger flares, is there’s usually a seed of truth to what the individual is angry about. A bystander usually has to agree because whatever infraction happened to cause the anger did, in fact, occur. I can best explain this problem of “emotionally wrapping” with a couple of stories. I’ll leave my personally embarrassing one for last.

A couple of years ago, after I had completed the Institute training and had shared it with my husband, we attended an arts & wine festival in our town. We were standing in line at the purchasing booth when a woman cut in line demanding her money back from the volunteers staffing the booth. It was very easy to determine what had gone wrong since she was yelling her story. Apparently, the item she purchased was no longer with the vendor to pick up after she purchased it. He had sold it to someone else thinking she would not be returning for it. She needed to get a car to transport it and was gone too long or so the vendor thought. Yes, it’s true that her purchased item was gone. Yes, she did deserve her money back. But, to yell at volunteers and stop all lines of transactions occurring at the booth was an intensity of anger not appropriate to the infraction. To make things worse, they didn’t have her check any longer because the Chamber of Commerce staff had just collected the receipts. Upon observing this incident, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, “AIAI Attack”.

What is an “AIAI Attack?” Dr. Friedman sometimes explains the behavior of a Type A personality in four words: Anger, Irritation, Aggression and Impatience. When free-floating hostility lashes out it’s called an “AIAI Attack.” What is really important to remember, if you are on the other side of an “AIAI Attack”, is that it has nothing to do with you. This is especially helpful if the Type A individual is a member of your family or if you deal with the public a lot. You don’t need to take the anger directed towards you personally because you know the anger is carried within them. It just happens to be releasing towards you for the moment. There is a quote by Dr. Stephen Covey that is fabulous in describing what’s going on for a Type A individual at these moments, “Unresolved feelings never die, they are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways.” Free-floating hostility is always ugly. It’s ugly to watch. It’s ugly to experience. It’s ugly to feel.

One day I was that ugly person. Well, I’m sure there were many other days, but this is one I especially remember. I was going to stop at a shoe repair store and there was a parallel parking space in front of the store. I pulled forward to back into the space when a car behind me zipped into it. Isn’t it true that to park in a parallel space you are to back into it? I drove just a little bit around the corner to another space. As I look back it was really no big deal, but then I was furious. The injustice I had experienced. The woman was getting out of her car just as I was heading to the shoe repair store and I yelled at her. “Don’t you know you are suppose to back into a parallel parking space?” I used my finger and everything. Not the middle one. The other one. The scolding index finger. I’m still embarrassed by that story, but it is a perfect example of a little, everyday incident that can get the ire of a Type A.

Dr. Friedman asks, “What is the Type A doing to their life?” “What is the personality doing to itself?” Where did the personality go?” What are the things in life that get its ire?” “What is it doing to the body?” Right now, ask yourself the same questions.

(Part 3 covers “Constant State of Struggle” and “Self Destruction is Not Inevitable”)