(Part 4 of a 4 part series)
IS IT WORTH DYING FOR? A synopsis of Dr. Meyer Friedman’s research into Type A behavior
By Jill Cody, M.P.A.
“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” - Eckhart Tolle
Developing a Monitor
We all have a relentless committee in our heads telling us what to do. More often then not, this committee possesses judgmental voices. It’s easy to understand how these voices got in our heads. While we were growing up our mother and father were telling us what to do; often judging us. They meant well. They wanted us to be successful. To help us achieve our success, they would point out our mistakes and tell us what to do. The problem we experience when we become an adult is that we don’t let go of our parents’ voices. We keep them in our heads where ever we go. We get trapped in the “I’m not good enough until I” syndrome. Which is what we often felt when dealing with our parents. Instead, as adults, we need to replace the messages our committee tells us to “you’re wonderful whoever you are” and “its ok to make mistakes."
Developing a monitor, Dr. Friedman says, is the mechanism to replace the messages in our heads from ones that tear us down to ones which serve us better. The monitor is “metacognition” or self talk. The self talk we want to cultivate will help change the Type A’s belief system to more healthful belief systems in seven ways. These seven, more healthy belief systems are:
1. A Type A personality hinders, never helps a career.
2. Type A behavior can be changed.
3. Sweetness is not a weakness.
4. Insecurity and/or inadequate self-esteem cannot be eliminated by the sole pursuit of material objects.
5. The trivial errors of others do not always require our preoccupation or correction.
6. Things worth “being” excel things worth “having”.
7. The means should justify the ends.
The “monitor” is a neutral voice. This is very important to understand. The internal voice you hear must be a neutral one. It can’t judge. It can’t evaluate. If the thought has an edge of emotion to it, it’s not your monitor speaking to you. It is emotionless. It says things like “isn’t that interesting” or “I wonder why they did that”. The monitor helps move us from responding to situations from our “ideal” self to our “real” self. The ideal self thinks in terms of “shoulds” and “should nots”. It searches for perfection. The real self will see the world as it is, not as we want it to be. The ideal self is constantly looking for approval and doing things to satisfy others.. The real self is secure, confident accepting and doing things to satisfy itself. The ideal self wants to make others change or wants the situation causing it distress to change. The real self changes the way it thinks about or views the problem.
Start listening to your self-talk. What is it saying to you? Is it judging others? Is it comparing and evaluating situations on how things ought to be? Can it change and replace a judgmental thought with a neutral one?
One of the most powerful monitoring phrases I learned while attending the Institute was “is this worth dying for”? Once I understood what physical harm I put myself in when I was experiencing time urgency or free floating hostility, I realized that every time I was living in those modes I was slowly killing myself. As soon as my monitor noticed I was tensed up from being in one of these thought patterns, it would ask me “is this worth dying for?” and the answer to myself was always “no”. As soon as I had that brief thought process completed in my head, I immediately calmed down and was in control again. The miracle I experienced after I did this a few times was that what I was getting tense or upset over never really happened. For example, one morning I had an appointment with someone who I didn’t know very well and with whom I wanted to make a good impression. Traffic was going very slowly. I could see by the clock on the dash that I was going to be late. My time urgency mode kicked in. I started getting anxious about what he might think of me. I started getting short and judgmental with the other drivers on the road. Out of the blue, my monitoring voice asks me “Jill, is this worth dying for”? I had to say no. I relaxed. I accepted that I would get there when I got there and I thought of a humorous apology for being late. When I arrived, I learned that he was late too and I had to wait a few minutes. The entire emotional “wrap” I was placing on the situation in the car before my monitor spoke to me was for nothing. Since that experience, I have noticed similar situations over and over again.
Practicing Life Saving Drills
One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Stephen Covey is: “You can’t talk yourself out of something you have behaved yourself into”. This couldn’t be truer then for Type A personalities. The main problem is that we don’t know what Type B emotions and behaviors feel like. Type B personalities are just as effective, if not more effective, then Type A’s, but how do they act? The drills, which Dr. Friedman developed, are meant to give Type A individuals a sense of what a Type B reaction or experience is like. Dr. Friedman has divided drills into two categories: General Drills and Specific Drills. Samples of my favorites are as follows:
General Time Urgency Drills
1. Remind yourself daily that life is unfinished business.
2. Listen attentively to the conversation of others.
3. Before you speak, ask yourself:
- Do I really have something to say?
- Do these people wish to hear it?
- Is this the right time to say it?
4. Seek beauty wherever you can find it.
5. Try driving in the slow lane. (More about this later)
6. Learn to punctuate long work periods with relaxation.
7. Stop trying to think or do more than one thing at a time.
8. Don’t project your own time urgency on others.
Specific Time Urgency Drills
1. Visit a museum, zoo, aquarium, or park.
2. Study a dawn, flower, bird, tree, or sunset.
3. Walk, talk and eat more slowly.
4. Leave you watch off (start with one day a week).
5. Ask someone what they did that day and listen to the answer. (How about starting with a family member?)
6. Get in a long line in the market and study the faces of other people.
7. Ask a person to lunch and ask questions about them.
General Hostility Drills
1. Announce openly, to your spouse or close friend, your intention to eliminate your free-floating hostility.
2. Eliminate ideals that are really just excuses for anger.
3. Start smiling at other people and at laughing yourself.
4. Practice living with uncertainties and doubts by deliberately attempting to adopt unfamiliar and unexpected opinions.
Specific Hostility Drills
1. Deliberately say to someone. “Maybe I’m wrong,” at least twice a day, even when you are not at all certain you are in error.
2. Buy a small but thoughtfully chosen gift for your spouse, other family member, or friend.
3. Ask yourself in the evening, “What did I do wrong today and what did I do that showed kindness to someone?”
1) Drive the speed limit
2) Drive in middle lane
3) As soon as you are about to judge someone else’s driving, think of a funny reason why they may have done what they did.
4) If you really want help in this exercise, tell your family and/or friends and have them help think of funny reasons. (Remember: A funny reason should also not be judgmental or cynical.)
We live in a Type A culture; work in Type A organizations and families reward Type A behavior. Does this entire general acceptance make it right? I personally don’t think so. It’s a killer. As soon as our collective consciences realize this, the healthier we all will be.
(End of series)
No comments:
Post a Comment