by Karen Caton-Brunings
My 10 year old came home from school last week and proclaimed something marvelous.
She has had a very strained relationship with a friend since kindergarten. This little girl and my daughter are like oil and water. As much as it pains me sometimes, my daughter is very much like me. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she can be kind to a fault. For whatever reason (and I do not take myself out of this equation) my daughter will do anything to make other people feel happy. She has sacrificed her own needs, wants, and desires to placate others since she was a tiny little girl. She will apologize even when she isn't wrong. She will smile when she isn't happy. She will laugh when she wants to cry... all in an effort to make others feel successful and happy and better.
I watch it in dismay and I secretly cry knowing EXACTLY how painful that can be. And I worry that one day she will find that she doesn't know what she wants for herself because she has been so busy worrying about the needs of others. It is a blessing to be kind and thoughtful and cautious with the hearts of the people in our lives. Yet, I intimately understand the destruction that can come from not fulling your own cup.
My children have experienced a lot of changes over the past year as I have dealt with finding my own way in this world... learning and exploring what it means to NOT fall on the sword for everyone in my life. They have struggled watching me process years of pain and face fears and demons that are dark and scary. I am still living it, still working daily to find my way and my strength. Friends, it is not easy... not at all. But, there are moments in it that carry me forward and last week, when she came home, I realized that I was rewriting the script for my child in ways that I didn't even know.
She walked in the house, sweaty because she ran from the bus stop. "Mommy! Mommy! I did it! I did it! When I was on the playground, she told me that I was stupid and acting like a baby. I knew that I wasn't so I told her so. I held her words in my hands Mommy...not in my heart!! And I was brave...brave like you... I did exactly what you are doing now. And I just let it be hers."
I couldn't speak. I thought of her bravery and her pride and her confidence in that moment. The times that we had talked, the fight I am fighting all manifested itself in that one little act of bravery on the part of my 10 year old. It was then that I realized that examining my own pain and confronting everything I believe about myself, and making hard decisions and challenging my very being was worth its weight in gold.
Life is funny... and tragic...and beautiful...and glorious...and changing. I have gone from a young woman, without confidence, without understanding my past and how it effected my decisions, my parenting, my professional choices, my marriage and friendships, to a woman determined to find my truth, the real truth, in order to create the life I deserve. In doing so, hoping to create a life that is meaningful for my children. On that day, it was I that learned a lesson from my baby and I will carry it with me for my whole life.
Hi Karen,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your journey! Our children provide windows for us as their parents to view the world differently. Since it is true that the apple (our children do) does not fall from its tree , then you are seeing yourself reflected back to you through your children. It is a wonderful thing that you are open to learning from your children because they have so much to us as teach adults. I know this has been true for me as well learning from my son who has taught me so much about living well and enjoying life. BRAVO!
Mirrors. They are mirrors. It is something special when the hard lessons cease feeling like a wrecking ball and begin looking like a gift. I know that being able to look in the mirror and see my strength, wisdom, courage and beauty is the path to allowing my daughters to do the same. Talk about creating meaning... That is the key for mothers everywhere.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is a great way to look at our children. Too often we forget that they do reflect back to us what they have learned from us.
ReplyDeleteBy changing yourself you will automatically change your daughters, relationships, etc. All you have to do is look in the "mirror" (the faces and behaviors of your children and the significant people in your life) and you will see a different reflection in the mirror. We'll be talking about mirror neurons and mastery in future blogs.
Well done!
Thanks dear one!
ReplyDeleteyou made me cry - we should talk soon!
ReplyDelete